Progress.

Why is it so hard for me to settle for progress? Too often I act as if anything less than perfection is failure. How sick is that? I live and die by measures that have nothing to do with who I am as a person. I am brutally unkind to myself, saying things within my head that I would never think, much less say, about others.

Today I will choose to celebrate progress.

Evaluation of the week just past:

I am feeling more empowered. How odd that acknowledging that I am human and weak and have needs makes me feel that way. How odd that has always been my biggest fear -- not being perfect – and it is leading the way to my healing. I am baffled.

I am becoming more active. I have refused to use the heat as an excuse to stay cooped up in this house. I am making activity fun by playing tourist here at home. If the scale shows something other than what I hope, I will know the truth. I refuse to be defined by the number on the scale!

I have been OP this week. I am beginning to manage this balancing act better. I am becoming responsible for my own well-being. I am taking the initiative in my own self-care. A year ago, a month ago, heck two weeks ago, I would have been thrilled that my blood sugar meter was lost. It would have been my excuse not to check my sugars. Yesterday I was panicked at the thoughts of going out into the heat without it. I have not missed a dose of my meds in three weeks. I am drinking my water. I am making healthier choices about my food. I am eating. I am beginning to recognize MY signals of hunger. I am learning to trust my body again.

I am being more real than I have been ever in my life. I am being vulnerable with those around me who care about me. I am handling my anger without either exploding or imploding. I am taking my issues up with the person who they involve rather than with others. And I am admitting that I have needs. And that is finally OK.

The scale today said down two pounds. But that is not what made today a victory. Chosing life. Refusing to succumb to the habit of self abuse. Celebrating progress. That is what made today a victory.