Communication

How do we EVER manage to understand one another on even the most basic level? Each of us has our own personal filter and everything we read or hear, write or speak, is sifted through that filter. And no two filters are the same. No matter how close two people are. It is a wonder we understand anything.

Yet we assume that we have been understood and that we understand others. We make assumptions based on our filtering system that may have nothing to do with what is really being said, or rather meant.

Recently I’ve had this experience with several friends. I don’t think that it is that we’re understanding one another less, but rather that I have become aware that thing are not always what they seem and instead of attempting to decipher for myself the hidden meaning of my friends’ attempts at conversation I have begun to do something truly radical. I ASK!

It has lead to some amazing discoveries about people that I thought I knew as well as I knew myself. It has also lead to some of the most healing conversations I have had in my entire life.

I have learned for example not to project my own guilt feelings onto someone else. It is not fair to say to someone, “You must be furious with me.” When what I really mean is “I am furious with myself and worried that you are too.” I have learned to confront the “codes” that others hide behind as well. For instance when I hear “If I had done something like that you’d have thought I was out of my mind.” I can ask, “Are you trying to tell me without telling me that you think what I did was insane?”

I am learning to reflect back the feelings I hear behind the words. For example, “I can’t believe that you let him tell you what to do like that.” Would cause me to postulate, “You feel that I am accepting bad treatment from him.” Or “Its important to you that he doesn’t tell me what to do.”

It feels really weird. And even weirder is extricating myself from the position of mediator between the various people in my life. I have been a conduit between people for years. I don’t know what to do now that I have resolved not to do this anymore. I feel useless. I feel as if I am being mean when I tell someone, “You need to ask X about that if it bothers you. I’m not X, I can’t tell you what X meant by that.”

Oddly, though I have far fewer conversations I am finally achieving real communication. I think that is a very fair trade.