I Gave You Ten
It had been three days since I returned from the spiritual retreat known as “The Walk To Emmaus”. While I had been there I had experienced an amazing healing of memories from having been molested as a child. The wall had dropped and I was willing, finally, to let Christ have that part of me and heal me. But today I was struggling.
I sat at my prayer journal and lamented and whined to God about how awful it was that so many men had been so lousy to me over the course of my thirty-three years and how hard being hurt by men made it for me to trust Him.
His still small voice interrupted my tirade. “Baby-girl, I gave you ten.”
I was brought up short. “You gave me ten? What do you mean you gave me ten?” I asked.
The answer came, “For every man that ever hurt you, I gave you ten.”
Suddenly, like water from behind a dam that had been breeched, the names began to flow. As fast as I could type them they kept coming, one after another. More than half a page later the list of names was complete. Some forty names, listed neatly. Teachers, pastors, male friends, “big brothers”, cousins, uncles, some who’d been in my life for years, some who only crossed my path for a brief time when I was in deep need. Yet there they were. For every man that had ever hurt me there were at least ten names listed. Some were people that I had not thought of in literally years. Some were people that were such a part of the fabric of my life that I could not imagine who I would be without their influences. But there was no denying that for every man that had ever hurt me, God had indeed given me ten.
Rebuked, I began to cry. I had allowed my focus to be on the handful of men that had hurt me. I had blamed God for “letting” them. I’d never seen nor acknowledged the scores of men he had placed in my life that had encouraged me or protected me or lifted me up. For years and years I had held God at arms length using the excuse that “men” weren’t trustworthy so why should I trust a God who identified himself as Father. And yet here it was. Undeniable proof that even as I held him at a distance he sent man after man into my life who blessed me in some way. My heart broke. The final stones in my defensive wall fell down and my complaints turned to praise. It was the only proper response to the God who gave me ten.
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
Frustrated Co-op Vent
I love my homeschool co-op. I love the kids. I like the other moms. Jessica adores her "school". But I'm seeing some things creeping in as we grow that are more and more like institutional school and I don't like what I am seeing.
Item 1: The "Points" System
In an effort to promote good behavior a points system was instituted this semester. I HATE it. I Hate everything about it. It has NOT done what it was designed to do and it has fostered a sense of competition between the kids that I hate seeing. Yesterday as Becky was announcing the current points standings the kids were not only cheering for their own team (which is fine, be proud of your efforts) but booing the teams that were ahead of them and laughing at the teams that were behind. I HATE seeing that dynamic being encouraged. And within the teams the kids are at each other...Which sadly is part of the purpose of the stupid system, bringing peer pressure to bear on the "offender" in hopes of changing their behavior...and mistakes are being met with strong social disapproval. Again, everything I hate about institutional schooling. In the boys class in particular I see one kid being singled out as the "problem child" and his day yesterday was horrible. It doesn't seem to be affecting my kid. She's in one of the two youngest groups and they don't seem to be getting points deducted as badly and/or don't care where they rank. On the flip side of that one of the classes has been consistently in last place and has basically given up hope of "winning" so they don't care what you do to them points wise. In other words the group this system was put in place to motivate...Doesn't CARE anymore so it doesn't even work. How surprising, NOT!
Item 2: The new "Stair Rule"
Again, the boys class. There is an open stairwell in the building where we meet. The kind with the metal handrail that just begs to be slid down or hung from. Some of the boys (not more than 4 of them) have been hanging from the top landing rail and dropping to the bottom of the stairwell. Is this a problem? Of course it is. I'm not denying that. But the way that has been chosen to deal with it is to make a new blanket rule that no child is allowed on the stairs without an adult. GREAT! Group punishment. My Favorite. (Can you read the dripping sarcasm?) Three or four kids have had a behavioral issue. Rather than dealing with those kids personally and privately over it let's make a blanket rule that treats EVERY child like a three year old. Its absurd.
Item 3: Lunch Prayer
I have blood sugar issues, when I need to eat...I NEED to eat. The RULE is that no-one is to begin eating until we are all gathered an can pray. Not a bad rule per se but one that doesn't work for me...and that I suspect doesn't work for many of the smaller kids that it has been several hours since breakfast. Prayer before meals is a good thing but making 40+ people (mostly kids) wait for the stragglers with food in front of them is NOT. More than once I've gotten a nasty look shot my way when I took care of my physical needs in violation of the rule.
On balance, is it enough for me to leave the group? Doubtful. Jessica loves the other kids and this IS school as far as she is concerned. We basically unschool the rest of the week so it isn't a big issue with her. But it IS a big issue with ME. I recognize that this is MY issue. Things that I personally hated as a child in institutional school (even though I loved school) that I see being imposed on kids who have been opted out of institutional schooling. I also see that MOST of the other moms in this group are probably "school at homers" where we are "unschoolers". The philosophical differences are glaring at times. GBD vs Punitive, School at Home vs Unschooling, Authoritarian vs Authoritative. I have to pray about what to do and how to share what I see without alienating the other moms. Help!
I love my homeschool co-op. I love the kids. I like the other moms. Jessica adores her "school". But I'm seeing some things creeping in as we grow that are more and more like institutional school and I don't like what I am seeing.
Item 1: The "Points" System
In an effort to promote good behavior a points system was instituted this semester. I HATE it. I Hate everything about it. It has NOT done what it was designed to do and it has fostered a sense of competition between the kids that I hate seeing. Yesterday as Becky was announcing the current points standings the kids were not only cheering for their own team (which is fine, be proud of your efforts) but booing the teams that were ahead of them and laughing at the teams that were behind. I HATE seeing that dynamic being encouraged. And within the teams the kids are at each other...Which sadly is part of the purpose of the stupid system, bringing peer pressure to bear on the "offender" in hopes of changing their behavior...and mistakes are being met with strong social disapproval. Again, everything I hate about institutional schooling. In the boys class in particular I see one kid being singled out as the "problem child" and his day yesterday was horrible. It doesn't seem to be affecting my kid. She's in one of the two youngest groups and they don't seem to be getting points deducted as badly and/or don't care where they rank. On the flip side of that one of the classes has been consistently in last place and has basically given up hope of "winning" so they don't care what you do to them points wise. In other words the group this system was put in place to motivate...Doesn't CARE anymore so it doesn't even work. How surprising, NOT!
Item 2: The new "Stair Rule"
Again, the boys class. There is an open stairwell in the building where we meet. The kind with the metal handrail that just begs to be slid down or hung from. Some of the boys (not more than 4 of them) have been hanging from the top landing rail and dropping to the bottom of the stairwell. Is this a problem? Of course it is. I'm not denying that. But the way that has been chosen to deal with it is to make a new blanket rule that no child is allowed on the stairs without an adult. GREAT! Group punishment. My Favorite. (Can you read the dripping sarcasm?) Three or four kids have had a behavioral issue. Rather than dealing with those kids personally and privately over it let's make a blanket rule that treats EVERY child like a three year old. Its absurd.
Item 3: Lunch Prayer
I have blood sugar issues, when I need to eat...I NEED to eat. The RULE is that no-one is to begin eating until we are all gathered an can pray. Not a bad rule per se but one that doesn't work for me...and that I suspect doesn't work for many of the smaller kids that it has been several hours since breakfast. Prayer before meals is a good thing but making 40+ people (mostly kids) wait for the stragglers with food in front of them is NOT. More than once I've gotten a nasty look shot my way when I took care of my physical needs in violation of the rule.
On balance, is it enough for me to leave the group? Doubtful. Jessica loves the other kids and this IS school as far as she is concerned. We basically unschool the rest of the week so it isn't a big issue with her. But it IS a big issue with ME. I recognize that this is MY issue. Things that I personally hated as a child in institutional school (even though I loved school) that I see being imposed on kids who have been opted out of institutional schooling. I also see that MOST of the other moms in this group are probably "school at homers" where we are "unschoolers". The philosophical differences are glaring at times. GBD vs Punitive, School at Home vs Unschooling, Authoritarian vs Authoritative. I have to pray about what to do and how to share what I see without alienating the other moms. Help!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)