I Gave You Ten

It had been three days since I returned from the spiritual retreat known as “The Walk To Emmaus”. While I had been there I had experienced an amazing healing of memories from having been molested as a child. The wall had dropped and I was willing, finally, to let Christ have that part of me and heal me. But today I was struggling.

I sat at my prayer journal and lamented and whined to God about how awful it was that so many men had been so lousy to me over the course of my thirty-three years and how hard being hurt by men made it for me to trust Him.

His still small voice interrupted my tirade. “Baby-girl, I gave you ten.”

I was brought up short. “You gave me ten? What do you mean you gave me ten?” I asked.

The answer came, “For every man that ever hurt you, I gave you ten.”

Suddenly, like water from behind a dam that had been breeched, the names began to flow. As fast as I could type them they kept coming, one after another. More than half a page later the list of names was complete. Some forty names, listed neatly. Teachers, pastors, male friends, “big brothers”, cousins, uncles, some who’d been in my life for years, some who only crossed my path for a brief time when I was in deep need. Yet there they were. For every man that had ever hurt me there were at least ten names listed. Some were people that I had not thought of in literally years. Some were people that were such a part of the fabric of my life that I could not imagine who I would be without their influences. But there was no denying that for every man that had ever hurt me, God had indeed given me ten.

Rebuked, I began to cry. I had allowed my focus to be on the handful of men that had hurt me. I had blamed God for “letting” them. I’d never seen nor acknowledged the scores of men he had placed in my life that had encouraged me or protected me or lifted me up. For years and years I had held God at arms length using the excuse that “men” weren’t trustworthy so why should I trust a God who identified himself as Father. And yet here it was. Undeniable proof that even as I held him at a distance he sent man after man into my life who blessed me in some way. My heart broke. The final stones in my defensive wall fell down and my complaints turned to praise. It was the only proper response to the God who gave me ten.