Today I finally talked to DB and I think I can finally lay the issue to rest. Each one of the friends that you brought into my life, the ones I feared I had lost in losing you, know my truth. It is enough. I did not ask any of them to pick between us. I know the heart is large enough to love us both. Yet to be honest, to be real in my relationships with them, I couldn't pretend that this great gaping hole wasn't blown out of my life history. Whatever happens to those relationships from here forward is no longer about you. It is about me. It is about my relationship with that person outside the context of you.
So much of my adult life was in the context of you. Too much of it. I didn't see that until you were gone and I finally saw how enmeshed we had been. Learning to live in this new reality hasn't been a smooth process and it has taken me nearly two years to finally gather the courage and make the decision to speak my truth to DB. He apologized to me on your behalf. How sad is that? He filled in a few gaps for me. There is a girl. I hope and pray she is the one and that the two of you are beautifully happy together. I hope you have the courage to be honest with her about where you have fallen and the places you are weak so that she can help you up and help you to be strong. I wish you joy. Despite everything. I wish you joy.
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