Stumbling on the Path

I hate failure. It makes me angry. In my perfectionism only complete success is good enough, so often nothing ever gets accomplished. So it is a source of tremendous frustration that I find myself stumbling on the path that was so surprisingly easy at its beginning.

My eating disorder is flourishing and I don't know why. This drives me crazy. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I never schedule my own needs into Mi Vida Loca. Everyone else's needs take priority to my own. My counselor said, in the last group session I attended, what two months ago that Eating Disorders are born out of the idea that it is wrong to have needs. Huge light bulb moment. I have actually said that I was not allowed to have needs. That I did not have time to have needs. So what do I do. I overschedule myself and then drop my needs in order to make the agenda I have comitted myself to work. Why? Why do I do this to myself again and again? Why can I not be ok with inconvenencing others in order to take care of me?

At least I am becoming self-aware enough to know it is happening before it gets totally out of control. I have stumbled. I have not left the path. Perhaps this is not failure? Perhaps, maybe, this is a tiny, small but significant success?